Our little enemies, the lusers

Previous section Next section Index

Our little enemies, the lusers

4.1)
Where can I find stories about the little bastards?

[The stories are currently offline, as a result of the sysadmin who had them on his web site recovering]

You can see the Stupid User mini-faq here.

4.2)
I'm on tech support. Where can I find cluefull customers?

See 3.3.
A cluefull luser is an oxymoron.

4.3)
General User Interaction

Some tips for general luser interaction:

lusers, bless their little hearts, have simple minds. Even if you think that a lobotomized flatworm could understand your instructions, your luser probably won't.
since lusers will neither read nor understand any docs you write for them, just don't even bother.
NEVER anthropomorphise lusers.
lusers are much easier to deal with if they aren't breathing

4.4)
What is the best way to deal with lusers?

240v across the heart, a revolver through the head, or even a simple little broadsword thrust into their abdomen will improve your interactions wonderfully. See 4.5

4.5)
Revolvers, cyanide and high voltages: The pros and cons of various luser education strategies.

There has been a great deal of debate on a.s.r about the best way of dealing with lusers, and at this time no consensus has been reached.

What we can suggest, however, is to be sure it is painful, clean, and doesn't harm the computer. That unfortunately leaves a lot of options out; you can't just throw a grenade at them; it will hurt the machine.

4.6)
How can I clean up the mess made by a lusers brain splattered across a monitor?

Be careful. While cluelessness is not contagious, there are some nasty things that can be picked up from lusers. Blood transmitted diseses, you name it. Be sure to wear gloves. Otherwise, luser guts will usually clean up with warm water and soap. I've found a little bleach sometimes helps. Be careful with the keyboards; I've found that blood causes the keys to get very very sticky; Again, you can try gently washing it with soap and water.

To get rid of the body, people have suggested using several garbage bags and a large quantity of duct tape. If you have to keep it for a while, try and remove the guts; that will keep the smell down.. Alcohol and formalin works just fine as a preservative.

4.7)
What is the penalty for murdering a luser?

Unfortunately, in the eyes of the law, lusers are treated like humans. I therefore recommend you be discreet in your luser education campaigns.

4.8)
How much should I charge for holding their hands?

See the official ASR price list.

Previous section Next section Index