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Our little friend, the computer

Are there any OSs that don't suck?

No. See the hall of shame and OSes that suck.

How about any hardware?

The PDP-10 was pretty nice. Pity they stopped making them in '83.

Just HOW MUCH does this system suck?

The ASR standard unit of suckiness is the Lovelace (Ll). This is defined as: One Lovelace is the amount of force (measured in dynes) it takes to draw a round ball weighing e Troy Ounces down a tube it fits exactly (in air) at a speed of pi attoparsecs/microfortnight. Like Farads, this is a rather large measurement. Thus, Plan 9 sucks a few mLl, for instance, while your average Microsoft product achieves many Ll.

Where can I find clueful tech support?


Basically, I think there is some device the telco puts on the phone that ensures that whoever is on the other end of a service call is always a drooling moron with the IQ of a potted plant. Note that this applies both ways (see 4.2)

What can I do to help my computers behave?

Some go for the carrot approach, others the stick, others both. If you favour the carrot, try offering memory upgrades or faster processors. For sticks, try bullwhips. Many computers are easily fooled, so placing a picture of yourself in front of a computer will often cause it to think you are watching and it will be too scared to misbehave.

Remember that if computers are networked, they can talk to each other. That is useful in that you can make an example of one and the others will watch (and hopefully learn).

What's with all the AOL disks?

There is a large amount of speculation on this subject. Some have suggested that AOL is a secret alien plot to use up all the resources and overwhelm the earth with disks, to make mankind easier to conquer. Whatever the reason, they are useful as coasters and as scratch floppies, if nothing else.

What should I do with all these CD Roms?

Shove them in a microwave for a minute or so, and watch the fun!

[The stories are currently offline, as a result of the sysadmin who had them on his web site recovering]

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