To: 

My dear wife,
 
During the past year I have tried  to make love to you 365 times.  I
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often....
 
        We will wake the children                       17 times
        It's too late                                   15 times
        I'm too tired                                    5 times
        It's too early                                  52 times
        It's too hot                                    15 times
        Pretending to be asleep                         49 times
        Window open the neighbours will hear             9 times
        Backache                                         2 times
        Headache                                        16 times
        Sunburnt                                        10 times
        Your mother will hear us                         6 times
        Not in the mood                                 21 times
        Will wake the baby                              17 times
        Watching the late TV show                        7 times
        Too sore                                         9 times
        New hairdo                                       4 times
        Wrong time of the month                          4 times
        You had to go to the toilet                      9 times
 
On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded
me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry u
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell  you  I  had
finished  and  once  I  was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.
 
Your loving husband.